This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
