I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
