some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
