I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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