I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
