no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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