woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
