Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
