Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dicks are not precious.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
