I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
