sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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