She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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