You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
