this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
