The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
