We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
