Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
