I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
