Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
