The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
