After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
