I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
