i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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