i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
