I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Randomize
