shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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