i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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