Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
