I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
