I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
