How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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