if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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