True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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