Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
