MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
