Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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