So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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