god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
