I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
