All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
