I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
