My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
