I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so let's talk penis.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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