please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
