I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
