i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
