I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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