happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
