it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
