You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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